Thank you!

Thank you all for making our son's celebration of life service most memorable.  Tara and I feel very honored by all our friends & family.  We are so very thankful we do not walk this road alone.  I have received a lot of requests to see the posters we had in the lobby of the church.  I have attached copies to this posting...since it's online, I made just a couple edits...I'll leave them up here for a couple weeks anyway...after that I'll take them off.  Love you all...thanks so much for your help, encouragement,  patience, and prayers!  May God bless you for your kindness!

Brad

Life....

I have been thinking this morning…I’ve been a bit convicted ever since church yesterday. Mark was speaking on worship and he highlighted two portions of scripture that God has really used to upset my little apple cart this morning…so to speak :).

The first is in Psalm 29:1-2
“Ascribe to the Lord O mighty Ones ascribe to the Lord glory and strength. Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.”

The second is in Romans 12:1
“Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship.”

Glory…the word literally means weight or heaviness….what we give weight to is what we give glory to. That worship…is not a place we go…or a thing we do, but a person we love.

Those of you who have been following my wife’s faithful entries (and my occasional ramblings :)) on this site know that we lost our son just over a week ago…as I reflected on how I have viewed everything the past week…I find myself struggling sometimes…struggling that life seemingly goes on for everyone else. Finding it unfair that our lives have to seemingly stand still and that most waking moments for Tara and I seem to be filled with the heaviness of loss and grief. Even though there are moments of fun…light-heartedness…joy…it always seems to come back to the heaviness. Now I know this will heal in time, but I say this only to give you an idea of where my mind has been running this week. I have been (like Solomon in Ecclesiastes) weighed down with the seemingly vanity and inequity of life. Why do parents, who don’t really want there kids…or find them a burden…get to keep them…while we do not. Why do people seemingly unprepared to be parents…get to be parents…while we do not. Basically, why do people get to be happy now….and we do not…

Kind of silly and self absorbed huh?!?!  I don't want to minimize real grief, but just saying...right now...there seems to be a fine line between the legitimate grief and kind of bitterness in the heart....working through it...guess it'll just take time.

Well…getting back to Mark’s message…I was hammered by Romans 12:1…because it seems that my son…had it figured out better than his old man. Our spiritual act of worship…is to give God glory with our lives…to live them in such a way that even in the briefest of lives…God’s greatness…is reflected. It seems sometimes to me that Naiah has done a better job in his 9 hours of life than maybe I have in my 30+ (well maybe a little longer than that) :).

I think the reason it is hard for me to think about life going on for so many others in the midst of our pain is that part of me wants desperately for life to be about me…or at least about something in my life…even though it is not.

What a prideful thing...our son had it figured out…he lived life as best he could…for as long as he could…to give God the glory for being God…and for making him. Now…I know Tara and I will be hit with waves of pain, sorrow, grief. I also know that this is all part of grieving for our son…because we loved him very much. But we say…in the middle of it…God is good…and we trust Him. He has blessed both us and our son…the eyes to see, the mind to understand, and the heart to know Him…to love Him. He has forgiven us for being the wretched sinners we are….and He is taking us home someday…to enjoy (with Naiah) His glory.

Life…is not about me...even though the rebellious side of me rises up so often to try to make it about me.   So far from it…it is about a Holy God who both desperately loves the worst of us (I am a testimony to that)…but also demands justice for our sin….who through his death on the cross forever balanced justice and mercy. It’s about all of life pointing to that singular moment in time…when a loving God…took on human frailty…to pay for my sin…your sin...and puts us all at a crossroads to decide if our lives are going to be about ourselves…or about Him.

Thank you all for helping us as we walk this road…to help us decide over and over and over again to make this story…our story…Naiah’s story…a God story. We could not do it without Him…nor could we do it without your help. Your prayers, calls, cards, emails…just being there sometimes….have helped us as we try with all we are to make it through this and decided this each time we find ourselves at that crossroads. Let me say from Tara, Naiah, and I to you…you have mattered in our journey…thank you so much!

You are very welcome to join us, family, and friends at Naiah’s celebration of life service at Cornerstone on Saturday…May 22, 2010 at 10:30am. Not knowing how many folks will be coming…we can’t promise to have a balloon, sandwich, or drink for everyone, but we would very much like to shake your hand…give you a hug…say thank you…face to face.

April 14th- Note from Naiah- 36 weeks of life

It’s Benaiah again!  I’m now 36 weeks and made it 9 months!!! YAAHOOO!!!  I am currently at 5 lbs. and I’m adding more to my adorableness. Mommy can’t wait to get a hold of my chunky cheeks—I think she wants me to come out looking like my daddy.  I’m doing my best! 

I loving keeping mommy on her toes-that is when she can see them!   I can tell she is moving a lot slllloooowwwweerrrr than before, guess it’s from all that extra growing I’ve been doing.

I’ve been kind of a stinker lately when it comes to pictures as the doctor’s office. I love to put my hands up by my face and use them to block from any sneak peeks.  Although I did get Mommy to giggle when she saw the “ring” around my wrist—what can I say I’m supposed to be packing on the fat! 

My little kicks are getting stronger-I’ve been practicing for so long—sometimes they make my mommy jump! (LOVE doing that!) Just call me Benaiah-little Samuri!

Mommy’s tummy is continuing to squeeze itself—I think we’re slowly getting ready to “get this show on the road.”  So far it’s not hurting her and I don’t hear her screaming—so that’s a good thing. The doctors and my parents decided that Wednesday, May 5^th will be my birthday—(something about induction, whatever that means).  Please pray that my mommy and I have a safe, healthy, and smooth delivery.  Mommy gets kind of nervous.  But I’m not.  No sir, I feel Jesus surrounding us both.  I’m going to have mommy’s arms around me and then Jesus’ arms around her-He told me so.  He promised.  He says He’ll never leave us and He loves us SO much. 

Our family had some special pictures taken last weekend—prenatal pictures Mommy says.   She wanted to do this too to celebrate our time together.  We are a cute little family—of course I’m the best part!  Thank you Ms. Mandy for helping the three of us capture these special moments.

Daddy and I surprised Mommy this past week.  We got her a special Mother’s Day card, some chocolate, and took her to a Cubs game!  Mommy was a little nervous sitting behind home plate with fly balls soaring through the air—but I LOVED IT! The night was gorgeous and we all enjoyed the evening out! Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Peuse for taking us out to the ballgame!

Today Mommy and I had a date at Reiman.  When mommy walked around she kept thinking about how beautiful the flowers were and how heaven will be a gazillion times more beautiful.  It was very peaceful for her—Jesus felt very near.  He was heard in the croaking bullfrogs at the pond….He was felt in the soft, light fuzzies that blew around like a summer snow…..He was seen in the new life budding on the trees bringing color to dull branches….. New life is coming and Mommy took great comfort in this little adventure.

I think the part that brought her the most comfort was the butterfly garden.  You should have seen all the butterflies!!! The silent flap of their wings and they way they flutter through the air is enough to make you want to sit still and think about life.  Mommy was thinking about how I’m kind of like a butterfly—I’ve been in my own special cocoon for awhile now—growing, changing, and getting ready to break free.  And once I do--they will think I’m the most amazing thing they’ve ever seen.  But did you know that most butterflies don’t live that long?  In fact many species die within 2 weeks of their life.  Mommy thinks that is what makes them even more special—even though their time is so brief, their beautiful life makes people stop and ponder at life and wonder about God.   She thinks I am helping other people do that too.

Here are some pictures that we saw drawn on a wall in the garden—they look like kid drawings….the part we liked most is that they have butterflies in each one…

This one reminds Mommy and I of our family….

This one reminds us of me meeting Jesus—Maybe the curling swirl stands for my life that will never end....

This one reminds us of me in heaven with the sun shining and I’m no longer in my old “cocoon”—but born into a new body—one that is holy and perfect.

April 23rd, 2010-Surprise!

Well friends--On Benaiah's 37th week of life--he decided to throw us a SURPRISE!!!! HIM!!!!!

Contractions started at 9:00-(we actually drove to Grandma & Grandpa's for the day...) and on the way home I called the doctor thinking maybe I should just go in "really quick" to rule out false labor...I thought if I was in labor--I'd know...I walked into the hospital, was having some uncomfortable cramping/back pain....but surely not labor.....

We walked into Mercy at 5:00 pm Friday night...I was completely convinced they were going to tell me- "You were right false labor--go home"....Well Naiah-as always--has decided to teach us life doesn't always roll like that....

5:30 we are checked and find out that we've gone from 1 cm, 50% on Wed. to 3 cm and 90%...I cried as the lady said- "Yes, you are in labor and you won't be going home..." This wasn't a part of the plan Naiah--You were supposed to wait until May 5th.....there you go teaching your mommy life lessons again.....

By 8:00--I"m still doing "fine" but was looking forward to some pain medicine in the immediate future....Dr. breaks my water--I'm at 4 cm....but in 25 minutes...we'd gone from 4 cm to delivery- and he came rushing in our lives with both guns blazing --Our lives were quickly changing.....

When I saw Benaiah--my heart beamed--I was so PROUD of my son...Family was able to scoot down...See him, sing to him, hold him, love him, pray for him....and at 12:30am we called it a night.....

I laid with him all night long--talked to him, rocked him, laid beside him and said "We're here, We're going to be here...I will be here...." I kept touching his adorable little cheeks, nose, constantly kissing them.  I wanted him to be near someone the entire time not knowing how much time we had left......His sweet little breath and adorable noises will be forever etched in my brain....He was here......

2:00am-I'm hanging on to his every breath--listening/wondering....I pray in thanksgiving for the wonderful time we had, but it's getting emotionally hard as I wonder will this be the last breath?  Dear Jesus-Please just take him peacefully and soon....this is getting really hard.....

4:00 am--We decide to let the nurse take him for a couple hours so I can sleep--ten minutes later she comes back in "His breathing is changing"....I immediately shot up--held him and said "I"ve got it--I'm up"....Once I laid him near me the nurse said "Crazy...He went from breathing a couple a times a minute to every 5-10 seconds with you again--He needs to be near you"....My heart soared-my son--knew me in a way I will treasure forever....

6:30 am- Brad, Benaiah, and I are cuddled up--I somehow fall asleep for 10-15 minutes--when I awake I don't hear his breathing....God had helped take our son peacefully in his sleep when I managed to fall asleep for my brief nap--I think it was their gift to me.....I didn't need to feel the "weight" of that specific moment--it just came and he went.....

7:00 am- The nurse checks in--his little heart has stopped....Relief floods my heart--He is finally with Jesus--a new creation, in the perfect place....

The morning was tough--but again we got through by God's strength--the whole 12 hour process was one of peace, tranquility, and love......I wasn't scared, I wasn't fearful....

As we said our last goodbyes--I couldn't help but say "We were supposed to take you home..." but I realized in that moment--we did--we took his hand and walked him to the most perfect home.....

Please pray for us in the following weeks--My heart has a gaping hole and my arms are empty....this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do........Any notes of encouragement, emails, cards, hugs, flowers, signs of life would be so appreciated if you feel called to "help".....Maybe even how Benaiah changed your life/what he made you reflect on....that would be the best gift.....

You are invited to Benaiah's Celebration of Life service Sat., May 22nd at Cornerstone in the morning sometime.....before lunch either 10:00 or 10:30--More details to come....

Thank you for your love and support--the specific requests we had for this time were meant beyond expectation--God showed up and in BIG WAYS and proved Himself to be so faithful....To Him be the Glory....that is what little Naiah's life was all about.....let us all learn from him.....

With tears streaming-

Tara

March 28th-Oh My, How we Have Grown!!

Let's take a peek at how much our Little Critter has been growing!

Week 21: 

Week 26:

Week 27:

Week 30:

Week 31:

Week 33:

Week 35:

Week 36:

Week 37: The Morning He was Born

March 27th-Recap of the last 3 weeks

Week 31-

Brought forth parent teacher conferences and long days at work—which led to swelling and retention of water in the feet…which led to new pairs of shoes that fit…and socks that don’t cut off circulation.

We made it through the work week and made an escape for KC to visit Naiah’s cousins—Needless to say Aunt Missy is one busy lady taking care of 2 little ones under the age of 21 mths…..Wow…

Bobbi Jo and Alycia were able to come up and visit for an afternoon—That Sister Bonding time—yeah, can’t thank the Lord enough for that! I’d try to explain it—but honestly it’d take too long to find the words…

Week 32- Spring Break!

Lots of time to relax and just go at own pace—which I must say is SUCH a blessing in of itself.  I find myself trying to cram SO much in during the workweek that I’m utterly exhausted—so needless to say this time was refreshing.

I worked on some special projects for Naiah—We hope to hang these in his little room…I felt like it was one way I could still decorate for him.

We made our way to see Benaiah’s Great Grandparents.  It’s been awhile, so I was grateful to get up and spend some time with them.  Mom and Alycia were able to join us on our adventure!  Special times, special moments, with some special people.

I also got to catch up with several friends over lunch dates and afternoon coffee breaks—So wonderful to be able to have the time and energy to do this!!!  Why is it that when you want whole heartedly to spend time with people and catch up, life and its billion of priorities pull you from doing so?  It’s hard striking that balance—I’ve been feeling like God has been asking me to prioritize my time based on what HE thinks is best, not what is on MY list…Uff, that’s tough.  But if I’m being honest, I realize that God doesn’t want me to feel overwhelmed and emotionally drained—and often times, the only one I have to blame for this is myself.  Anyone else have any trouble saying “No?”  Maybe the question should be- “Is there anyone out there that thinks they have their days perfectly balanced?” If you are this person—PLEASE inform!! J

Which brings me to the next part of Spring Break.  Being that I’m a control freak and wanting to have things planned ahead of time to prevent stress later on (how odd is that concept—like I ever really “get ahead”) I started thinking of Benaiah’s Celebration of Life service.  I check for balloons and order a birthday cake.  How do you tell the lady behind the counter—yes, I need these for May, for my son’s funeral?  With tears in the eyes and a burning sensation in the throat, we made it through..I want his little party to be the best—being as it’s the only one he’ll have with us on this earth....but as I stop and think—nothing here will touch the party that will be held there.  Benaiah’s Celebration of Life will be everyday with Jesus, not just one brief day.

Week 33:

The grandparents decided to come visit us during our doctor appt. this week.  We thought it’d be great for them to see the little man on 4-D and meet the amazing medical staff we’ve been working with.  Turns out Little Twirpo decided to not make an “official appearance”…We saw some feet, an ear, and crossed legs…and then of course was the shot that took the cake—(and mind you—this is after Benaiah and I had a little chat about cooperating for this special grandparents day)….Benaiah decided to bear us a crystal clear picture of his little toosh and um…shall we say….another part of his “manhood..”  I blushed, Brad beamed.  Of all the things—seriously Benaiah…You are a character….Due to the fact I’m a fan of modesty- I’ll be refraining any posting any of these lovely shots.  Although—this one is pretty special!   Thanks for coming Grandpa Keith, Grandma Linda, Grandma Eileen, and Grandpa Darwin—the time was precious and laughter priceless!!!

We were able to visit the hospital and visit with a nice staff member about birthing tips and get a quick tour.  I was able to walk in the room where we hope to be delivering and spend precious moments with our son.  It is a special little room—in it’s own little “corner”--away from the other mommies and new little ones.  It’s quiet, it’s private, it’s what we need for that time.  I’m just so thankful they are thinking of how to make this the most peaceful and encouraging time for our family. 

We have truly been cared for by the best of the best medical staff.  I can’t thank them all enough—not for just taking care of us professionally, but for loving on our family.  Your part in our journey has been a comfort in a very unique and special way.  Thank you for all you do for us. 

March 6th-Halfway....

Benaiah turned 30 weeks yesterday.  It brings bittersweet emotion—Naiah celebrates another week of life, yet I realize that we are now halfway through our journey.  It’s been 10 weeks since we heard the news—10 weeks…..which means at the most we have 10 weeks left.  The tears wouldn’t stop falling yesterday as the reality that I’m running out of time keeps crossing my mind.  Soon a Friday will come, where my instinct will be to do something special for him and he won’t physically be with me. 

Fear of the unknown haunted me—labor in itself is enough to make any woman take an enormous gulp, but adding on the harsh reality of this journey and how it will quickly end- that pushed me over my emotional ledge.  I could not leave the thought of having to let him go…How Lord? How am I going to have the strength to hand him to someone

else, kiss him one last time, and realize I won’t see him again until heaven…..How…..I’m crying now as I think about how this will probably be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do…and how do you prepare for it?  How do you have the courage and peace….How?

Do not be afraid for I am with you.  Do not be discouraged for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

—Isaiah 41: 10

Lord-You have been faithful to get us through the past 10 weeks…You’ve shown up and have literally carried us---which is what I have to remember—that you will continue to carry us.  One Pslam says- You feed your flock like a shepherd.  You carry the lambs in your arms, holding them close to your heart.  You gently lead the mother sheep with their young….You carry little Benaiah close to your heart and you are indeed leading the momma sheep.

Give us the strength to continue walking, to cherish each moment of his sweet life, and to eventually let him go….Help me to remember death is not something to be feared…it’s the doorway that allows us to be with you…My unborn son is showing me that there is nothing to fear—that our bodies are just temporary shells until the best is yet to come. As Hebrews 11 states: They agreed they were no more than foreigners and nomads here on earth.  They were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland.  Benaiah is showing me that Lord—in some ways I feel like this squirt knows more about your love and true life than I do…

Thank you for being a God that can identify with these hard, deep, painful emotions. You sit and cry with me during my hard days.  You don’t sit up there in heaven, distant from my pain, and say “bummer.”  You care so much that about me that You come down from on high to sit and comfort me..…I liked the part in my Hope devotional where it talked about the death of Lazarus.  “When Jesus saw her weeping and the others wailing, He was moved with indignation and deeply troubled….and he wept…” The author, Nancy Guthrie, continues with, “I think Jesus wept because he was pained by the hurt that death caused to people he loved.  His tears were of compassion for Mary and Martha, and tears of determination, perhaps, to finish the work he came to do, to win a victory, once and for all, over the power of death.  It breaks the heart of God that death has so much power to hurt those He loves.  Look here and see the tears on the face of God, because he feels the hurt and emptiness that death leaves in its wake, and he longs with us for the day when death is destroyed forever.”

You don’t like to see me cry Lord.  You don’t like the fact our family will grieve the loss of Benaiah.  In fact, I think you had this in mind as you found a way to bust through the hopelessness and darkness…It was your motivation to save those you love... Thank you for giving us hope because of your Son.  I realize that you too—must have been pained to know the reality of your Son’s journey—to innocently suffer on the cross at the hands of men who didn’t care and love him.  You had to hand over your Son—You too had to trust that it would all work out.  And it did—in a way that is so wonderful and magical…For death had lost its sting....

Oh Lord-help us to trust that this will all work out....

Feb. 22nd - Strong Warrior

Hi Friends!
I am now 7 months old!!! YIIPPEEE!!! I have been growing this past week and am now about 2 lbs and 16 inches long- (I’m pulling back my elbow, and winking with an enthusiastic “YES!”)  I want to share some stories my mommy has been reading to me.

Story #1 1st Samuel 17: 1-51

There was a small and pretty simple boy named David. He didn’t stick out as being special but he sure loved God.  It turns out this little boy was going to do some pretty amazing things. While he was growing up there was a fight going on between David’s town and the guys next door.  They were pretty tough dudes—one BIG meanie in particular was named Goliath.  He was strutting his stuff and telling David’s friends he could squash them like a bug. He called them stupid heads for following God.  Oh, that made David SO MAD—He loved God and knew someone had to stand up to this bully; he was calling his God names and that wasn’t cool.  David swooped up a handful of small pebbles and charged at Goliath, a couple of stones later he was not saying much.  David knew God was with him and because of that he could do anything- even take down a giant. 

Story #2 2nd Samuel 23: 20-23

Once upon a time-in a far off desert like place- there lived a strapping, strong, mighty warrior….His name (drum roll please) was Benaiah!!! (Cue cheering).   He was part of this special army—made from the best of the best.  Benaiah was afraid of nothing; one day he even killed a lion—(yes, as in ROAR)--WOW!!  In another battle there was an Egyptian solider who had a spear, but Benaiah charged forward with only a club and took him down.  He was loyal, steadfast, and very courageous. I want to be like that some day.  Mommy says I already am.

I think mommy likes reading me these stories because it reminds her that I am not afraid of my giant or my battle.  I know my God goes with me with him on my side I can conquer anything!!

Feb. 12th- Manna

People ask how we do it…..Honestly, the only answer I can give is God.  If I have learned anything the last 2 months—it is that anything—even the darkest valley can be traveled because God carries you.   If you know me well—you know that there is NO WAY that I’d be responding the way that I am without God’s Spirit….I’m a control freak, who hates transition, unforeseen change, and is usually worried about everything. 

The crazy part is-since Benaiah has been part of our lives—I haven’t been as anxious….Please don’t get me wrong—I’m petrified of labor and this pregnancy thing has had its share of “Is this normal?”, “What if something is wrong?”…but the overarching presence has not been that of fear or anxiousness.  This alone is proof that God can do anything. 

I have been reading this devotional called One Year of Hope; a wonderful gift given by a very special family who can identity with our journey of loss.  In it—one woman asks another, “How do you do it?  How do you deal with the loss of losing someone you love?”  She replied, “Manna.” 

Manna—the food God sent from Heaven to provide for His people during times of uncertainty and fear.  How would they survive the desert like conditions with no food or water?  Plain and simple-God.  Now if it was me and I was dropped in a desert with no idea of where to locate water or food, the word uneasy just doesn’t cut it.  My reaction would be that of fear.  But what a prime opportunity for God to teach a wonderful lesson…providing the very thing they needed to keep going.  God didn’t choose to drop them in the Promised Land right away and He didn’t take away the circumstances of the tough journey…He took them step by step and eventually they made it through their desert place.  I also find it very interesting that they couldn’t “store up” the manna.  It was something that was given every day teaching them to solely rely on Him.  He gave them what they needed and it was just enough.

So here we are.  Relying on God-each and every day. Dear Lord, thank you for helping me get out of bed each morning.  Thank you for helping me put one foot in front of the other.  Thank you for providing me with encouragement that only You can provide.  Help me to be humble in remembering this is not due to my strength, my power, or because I’m a "good person"…It’s because of you and your provision.  May our journey never fail to reflect the glory and goodness You provide….even if it is during a desert place.

Below is a song recommended by a dear friend—It’s written by Hillsong called The Desert Song—you may want to google it when you have the time.  How fitting that God brings this song to mind as I write this particular entry….He does that a lot—perfect words, perfect time, perfect peace.  Thank you Lord for Your manna.

Verse 1:

This is my prayer in the desert

And all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

Verse 2:

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:

And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again

The seed I've received I will sow

Progress & Purpose….

I was journaling this morning as I had my quiet time and I was thinking a lot about the first couple chapters of Ecclesiastes as it relates to Tara, Benaiah, and myself. Over lunch a little and break later in the day, I have had a chance to try to type my thoughts up. Please be patient…I may ramble a bit :) Sorry in advance for that…

Solomon used to seem so morbid to me, but the older I get and the more wisdom God decides to give me…the more I realize that Solomon had quite a few things right. He says in Ecclesiastes 1:18…
“..For with much wisdom comes much sorrow and with much knowledge comes much grief”

With all our advances, there really is no true “grand” thing that is new and never been done before. There are some advances, but none of them are what I would call a “basic” advance. Let me explain…

With each new medical miracle, there is a new disease to take it’s place. For each technological advance, we complain that it adds to life’s complexity and bemoan the “simple” life. Don’t get me wrong I love technology (my wife will tell you this is true :))….and this isn’t depressing to me…just recognizing it to be more and more true.

Our lives reduced down to the simplest things are….life…health…food…shelter…common denominators if you will. And another common denominator highlighted exhaustively in Ecclesiastes…is death…a common denominator of everyone’s life is…that it ends someday. So these are the common denominators…the “basics” if you will.

Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 2:3…
“…I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their life…”

So he threw himself into many endeavors and at the end of it he says in verse 10…
“…my heart took delight in all my work and this (the delight) was the reward for all my labor.”

At the end of it…all that these endeavors gave him…was a delight in the doing of them.

Naiah...my son…will never know the joys of working alongside his dad….laboring with me on one of my never-ending (as Tara’s puts them :)) projects. He will never know the joys of building…creating….learning with us. However, he will also never know the burden of work…the heartache of loss…and the grief of the death of someone close to him. While I would LOVE for Naiah to know the joys of life….I am comforted in some ways that he will also never know the heartache of it.

This is not a morbid thought…just a knowledge that although we’d like to reduce our lives down to the physical experience…it is much more….if we are honest with ourselves…we all know it. My son…will experience the best part of life. He will know every moment he is alive…that he is loved. Never will he know rejection…or someone withholding love from him. He will go from the best of one world (our arms) to the best of the next (being with Jesus).

I have come to understand that my wanting him to stay…to live…is more for Tara and myself…because we love him already and do not want to know the loss of our son. But we also love him enough to let him go…to a much better…much higher existence.

Even though I would give my own life to rescue my son from death…that too…is somewhat empty because I know regardless of what I do…someday he would also pass.

So here is the end of it…Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 7:1
“A good name is better than fine perfume and the day of death better than the day of birth”

Was Solomon saying he was sorry for having lived…I do NOT think so…just that to die actually is the beginning of real life as it was meant to be lived. Solomon was not being morbid…just recognizing that it is wise to be ready to meet one’s maker.

I am ready to meet my maker…not because I have lived some exemplary life (far from it)…or done all the right things…or that at least these good things outweigh the bad…no. I am ready to meet Him because His son and I…are friends…brothers by adoption. I am also more certain than I have ever been that we will see our son soon. That we WILL enjoy life together…just not here.

I am also certain that some reading this blog might not be as certain of their destination or of their purpose for being here. Hear this from Tara, Benaiah, and myself….our purpose…our whole reason for being here…is to know…to enjoy…and to give glory to the one who made us. Some folks run from this and invent all sorts of things that create the illusion of progress…of purpose. But hear me…we CANNOT run from our creator. To face Him is inevitable… and… we’re either ready… or we’re not.

I look forward to seeing my son…and my maker… and I am certain when I close my eyes in this life…I will see them together when I open them again. If you take anything from this blog...please take this…you can KNOW Him as well.

.

Feb. 7th, 2010-Heaven

 How often do you think of heaven?  I find myself thinking about it A LOT as of late…. dreaming and imagining what it will be like.  Before all this happened I knew that I would eventually go there—but I didn’t really think of it much or long for it. Now with our journey I find myself desiring to know more.  I think it may be my way of comforting myself knowing where my son will be…..what he has to look forward to- ultimately what I have to look forward to.

I decided to get the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn.  It has provided some new insight and given me some things to ponder--If anything this book has built up excitement and anticipation of the New Earth and how it’s going to be the most amazing physical place—full of beautiful natural wonders, brilliant light, a cozy home, wonderful meals with those we love, and getting to see/talk/spend time with Jesus.  Our best day on earth will not even come close to our worst day in heaven—What a promise!!!! 

While reading the book further, I took great comfort in this one particular section.  It was talking about how Jesus will be able to have our dreams be fulfilled and missed opportunities gained...it hit home….Alcorn writes,  “Although not directly stated and I am therefore speculating, It’s possible that parents whose hearts were broken through the death of their children will not only be reunited with them but also experience the joy of seeming them grow up….in a perfect world.”   No one knows what heaven will be like—but that section brought such peace and a deep hope to press on.  I believe I will get to see Benaiah play, I will get to see him “grow”, I will get to see him interact with his best friend-Jesus--I will get to watch them talk and giggle, still coming up with little pranks to pull on mommy.  I believe Benaiah will get to play basketball with his daddy and ride four-wheelers while having amazing adventures….I believe it will happen- it’s just put on pause for a while.  And even if this is specifically not the case, then I have to believe that my Savior has something even better in store for us….He will not disappoint us.  I have to believe that Jesus loves us all so much and wants to share such amazing gifts—that there will be no part of me that will continue to ache for what we missed here on earth.

If it has to be—if this is God’s will for our son- then at least I have the promise and hope of heaven.  God WILL NOT let us down.  Call me crazy, but I deeply believe my son already knows the Lord....I believe my son realizes his purpose on earth was meant to be brief, yet rich and full.  I believe my son is teaching me that death is not something to be feared…but something to have hope in.  For it’s not going to be our end—it’s just going to be the beginning...

"Oh Lord give me strength to remember the end goal of heaven in my daily walk.  Help me to follow in my son’s example to simply know you, spend time with you, and trust in you.  Help me to love and believe like a child.  Help me to trust in your promise of eternal goodness--that you have the heart that desires to bless us beyond what we can fathom.  Help me to focus on all that Benaiah will gain, not what we will have postponed. Help our family to keep loving you….Keep trusting in you…..Remembering your promise…. "  

New Heavens and a New Earth- Isaiah 65: 17-25
17 "Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. 
18 But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy.
 19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more.
 20 "Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years; he who dies at a hundred will be thought a mere youth; he who fails to reach a hundred will be considered accursed. 
21 They will build houses and dwell in them; they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit. 
22 No longer will they build houses and others live in them, or plant and others eat. For as the days of a tree, so will be the days of my people; my chosen ones will long enjoy the works of their hand.
23 They will not toil in vain or bear children doomed to misfortune; for they will be a people blessed by the LORD, they and their descendants with them.
24 Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear. 
25 The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox, but dust will be the serpent's food. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain," says the LORD.

 

Feb. 7th, 2010- Celebrating

Hi Everyone!

Today I turned 26 weeks!!  YIIPPEE!! I love birthdays! We’ve been busy as a family as of late.  Lots of exciting things happening at my house to celebrate my little life….

Last weekend for my 25^th birthday my daddy and mommy took me to a gun show. (I’ll give you one guess who REALLY wanted to go!)  My mommy decided the only way I get to go enjoy some “boy time” with daddy is if she goes too—so we all went together.  I think she felt a little out of place.  When we walked in she could smell the testosterone and was overwhelmed by the hundreds of guns, scopes, ammo, and husky men.  My daddy’s eyes were bright and shining as we looked at all the different guns and accessories.  WE LOVE BEING BOYS!!! Mommy was trying really hard to think of what the equal of this experience was for girls.  After scratching her head awhile, she decided it’s probably like buying a brand new outfit-complete with shoes, accessories, and a new haircut.  EWWW girl stuff—I’m so glad I’m not a girl! 

Next we got to go to watch an IMAX movie called Under the Sea (I’ll give you one guess whose idea that one was!) I loved the loud noise and was doing the backstroke in my own little ocean while we learned about sea creatures!  Mommy got so relaxed watching the pretty fish and listening to the soothing music that she started to fall asleep—or maybe it was my calm personality (YEAH RIGHT-Just call me Spit Fire!)

Tuesday we had a doctor appointment.  The ultrasound lady caught me at my finest moment.  I decided to be a little stinker and put on a show.  I kept sticking my tongue out—I’m just like my daddy when he was a little boy, he used to do the same thing!!  Mommy wanted to see my little face—apparently she thinks I’m adorable—Oh mom…I however continue to be a stinker and put my hand up by my face—“Stop, stop I can only take so much attention.”  At the end, after all that teasing, I finally gave them a smile.  It was mommy’s favorite picture from the day.

Currently, I’m all sprawled out and enjoying the space while I have it.  I’m now about 1.5 pounds and trying to make some more room in here—I only have so much space to work with.  Mommy says her tummy is being STTREEETTCCHHHEEDD—what can I say, I’m a guy, I need more room in this man cave!  My mommy loves it when I decide to do “the wave” and poke her tummy out a bit.  It makes her day and she smiles.  She tries to get my daddy to see it to—but I like to play this little game—Whenever he looks closely, I decide to “hide.”  I’m sure he’ll catch me one of these days- he is pretty quick!

  

Mommy and daddy met with a nice lady that plans to take some pictures of my family soon—some with me inside my mommy’s tummy and then others when I make my grand appearance.  My mommy loves pictures and is SO excited to meet me—I think pictures of my cute and perfect features will bring her lots of joy and comfort. 

My daddy decided to get me a little gift this week!  Another giraffe! Isn’t it great?!! Now there are 2 to keep each other company. 

I also had some other very special presents the past couple of weeks.  My Aunt Maren knitted a warm, cozy hat and booties for my arrival.  Mommy says her punkin will look so cute in his pumpkin. Thank you Aunt Maren- you are so talented! (My mom wishes she could do things like that, but apparently she tried it before and it didn’t work out well—so now she REALLY appreciates the hard work that goes into this!)

Another gift was a special book compiled of notes, verses, words of encouragement, and letters from many of you!!! Thank you for writing me—I LOVE THEM!!!  It is amazing to think of how many people know me and love me so much already—WOW!!! I know my mommy finds this book to be very touching and encouraging to her heart, so thank you for taking the time to write and thank you to my Aunt Melissa for putting that together—it’s a beautiful book and another treasured keepsake.

I love celebrating—you know my whole life I’m going to be celebrating…and someday-there is going to be even more celebrating—mommy says it’ll be the biggest party ever! Thank you for helping me celebrate my life too—thank you for your prayers for my family. 

Well I love you all-but I need to get going…Until next time….

Naiah