March 6th-Halfway....

Benaiah turned 30 weeks yesterday.  It brings bittersweet emotion—Naiah celebrates another week of life, yet I realize that we are now halfway through our journey.  It’s been 10 weeks since we heard the news—10 weeks…..which means at the most we have 10 weeks left.  The tears wouldn’t stop falling yesterday as the reality that I’m running out of time keeps crossing my mind.  Soon a Friday will come, where my instinct will be to do something special for him and he won’t physically be with me. 

Fear of the unknown haunted me—labor in itself is enough to make any woman take an enormous gulp, but adding on the harsh reality of this journey and how it will quickly end- that pushed me over my emotional ledge.  I could not leave the thought of having to let him go…How Lord? How am I going to have the strength to hand him to someone

else, kiss him one last time, and realize I won’t see him again until heaven…..How…..I’m crying now as I think about how this will probably be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do…and how do you prepare for it?  How do you have the courage and peace….How?

Do not be afraid for I am with you.  Do not be discouraged for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

—Isaiah 41: 10

Lord-You have been faithful to get us through the past 10 weeks…You’ve shown up and have literally carried us---which is what I have to remember—that you will continue to carry us.  One Pslam says- You feed your flock like a shepherd.  You carry the lambs in your arms, holding them close to your heart.  You gently lead the mother sheep with their young….You carry little Benaiah close to your heart and you are indeed leading the momma sheep.

Give us the strength to continue walking, to cherish each moment of his sweet life, and to eventually let him go….Help me to remember death is not something to be feared…it’s the doorway that allows us to be with you…My unborn son is showing me that there is nothing to fear—that our bodies are just temporary shells until the best is yet to come. As Hebrews 11 states: They agreed they were no more than foreigners and nomads here on earth.  They were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland.  Benaiah is showing me that Lord—in some ways I feel like this squirt knows more about your love and true life than I do…

Thank you for being a God that can identify with these hard, deep, painful emotions. You sit and cry with me during my hard days.  You don’t sit up there in heaven, distant from my pain, and say “bummer.”  You care so much that about me that You come down from on high to sit and comfort me..…I liked the part in my Hope devotional where it talked about the death of Lazarus.  “When Jesus saw her weeping and the others wailing, He was moved with indignation and deeply troubled….and he wept…” The author, Nancy Guthrie, continues with, “I think Jesus wept because he was pained by the hurt that death caused to people he loved.  His tears were of compassion for Mary and Martha, and tears of determination, perhaps, to finish the work he came to do, to win a victory, once and for all, over the power of death.  It breaks the heart of God that death has so much power to hurt those He loves.  Look here and see the tears on the face of God, because he feels the hurt and emptiness that death leaves in its wake, and he longs with us for the day when death is destroyed forever.”

You don’t like to see me cry Lord.  You don’t like the fact our family will grieve the loss of Benaiah.  In fact, I think you had this in mind as you found a way to bust through the hopelessness and darkness…It was your motivation to save those you love... Thank you for giving us hope because of your Son.  I realize that you too—must have been pained to know the reality of your Son’s journey—to innocently suffer on the cross at the hands of men who didn’t care and love him.  You had to hand over your Son—You too had to trust that it would all work out.  And it did—in a way that is so wonderful and magical…For death had lost its sting....

Oh Lord-help us to trust that this will all work out....