Contractions started at 9:00-(we actually drove to Grandma & Grandpa's for the day...) and on the way home I called the doctor thinking maybe I should just go in "really quick" to rule out false labor...I thought if I was in labor--I'd know...I walked into the hospital, was having some uncomfortable cramping/back pain....but surely not labor.....
We walked into Mercy at 5:00 pm Friday night...I was completely convinced they were going to tell me- "You were right false labor--go home"....Well Naiah-as always--has decided to teach us life doesn't always roll like that....
5:30 we are checked and find out that we've gone from 1 cm, 50% on Wed. to 3 cm and 90%...I cried as the lady said- "Yes, you are in labor and you won't be going home..." This wasn't a part of the plan Naiah--You were supposed to wait until May 5th.....there you go teaching your mommy life lessons again.....
By 8:00--I"m still doing "fine" but was looking forward to some pain medicine in the immediate future....Dr. breaks my water--I'm at 4 cm....but in 25 minutes...we'd gone from 4 cm to delivery- and he came rushing in our lives with both guns blazing --Our lives were quickly changing.....
When I saw Benaiah--my heart beamed--I was so PROUD of my son...Family was able to scoot down...See him, sing to him, hold him, love him, pray for him....and at 12:30am we called it a night.....
I laid with him all night long--talked to him, rocked him, laid beside him and said "We're here, We're going to be here...I will be here...." I kept touching his adorable little cheeks, nose, constantly kissing them. I wanted him to be near someone the entire time not knowing how much time we had left......His sweet little breath and adorable noises will be forever etched in my brain....He was here......
2:00am-I'm hanging on to his every breath--listening/wondering....I pray in thanksgiving for the wonderful time we had, but it's getting emotionally hard as I wonder will this be the last breath? Dear Jesus-Please just take him peacefully and soon....this is getting really hard.....
4:00 am--We decide to let the nurse take him for a couple hours so I can sleep--ten minutes later she comes back in "His breathing is changing"....I immediately shot up--held him and said "I"ve got it--I'm up"....Once I laid him near me the nurse said "Crazy...He went from breathing a couple a times a minute to every 5-10 seconds with you again--He needs to be near you"....My heart soared-my son--knew me in a way I will treasure forever....
6:30 am- Brad, Benaiah, and I are cuddled up--I somehow fall asleep for 10-15 minutes--when I awake I don't hear his breathing....God had helped take our son peacefully in his sleep when I managed to fall asleep for my brief nap--I think it was their gift to me.....I didn't need to feel the "weight" of that specific moment--it just came and he went.....
7:00 am- The nurse checks in--his little heart has stopped....Relief floods my heart--He is finally with Jesus--a new creation, in the perfect place....
The morning was tough--but again we got through by God's strength--the whole 12 hour process was one of peace, tranquility, and love......I wasn't scared, I wasn't fearful....
As we said our last goodbyes--I couldn't help but say "We were supposed to take you home..." but I realized in that moment--we did--we took his hand and walked him to the most perfect home.....
Please pray for us in the following weeks--My heart has a gaping hole and my arms are empty....this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do........Any notes of encouragement, emails, cards, hugs, flowers, signs of life would be so appreciated if you feel called to "help".....Maybe even how Benaiah changed your life/what he made you reflect on....that would be the best gift.....
You are invited to Benaiah's Celebration of Life service Sat., May 22nd at Cornerstone in the morning sometime.....before lunch either 10:00 or 10:30--More details to come....
Thank you for your love and support--the specific requests we had for this time were meant beyond expectation--God showed up and in BIG WAYS and proved Himself to be so faithful....To Him be the Glory....that is what little Naiah's life was all about.....let us all learn from him.....
With tears streaming-
Tara
Dear Brad and Tara,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you both as tears run down my face. I am so glad that you were able to spend those precious hours with your little son. Your story brings back so many memories of the time we had with our sweet baby daughter last February, and I know you will forever hold those memories of Benaiah in your heart. He will never be forgotten.
Your testimony for the Lord and example of His sufficient grace to us is such an encouragement to me. You will be in our thoughts and prayers in the days, weeks, and months to come, as we look forward to the day we will see our amazing Lord and sweet babies in Heaven again!
Love, Charity (and Tony)
Benaiah is absolutely beautiful! Please know that us Mommies with Hope ladies are lifting you up in prayer. Your faith through all this is such an inspiration. My heart aches for you in the most tender spot today. It's such a hard thing to have to let him go, but we know that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord! I thank God for His love for our children. I'm so thankful He loves us even more than we can fathom. His love is sufficient. I pray the words of Isaiah 26:3-4 (NLT) for you tonight: " You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock." And Brad - I know we haven't met, but please know that these words are for you too! You are both in our hearts and prayers during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteTara,
ReplyDeleteI have never met you but I write these words with tears streaming alongside you. You and Brad are such an encouragement! I can't even express the words right now...I just stopped and prayed for you, for your family, for our awesome, amazing, wonderful, beautiful God to continue to be glorified through your sweet Benaiah's life!
In Christ's love,
Tara,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the details. It's been on our hearts and mind all day. We've been rejoicing, weeping, and praying right along side you. I barely made it through church tonight when Troy started talking about growing as believers by connecting with each other - particularly mourning with those who mourn (Romans 12: 13). I just got recovered from that, and then I get home to read this! :-) I've never kept a box of tissue by my computer before last night, but I think this one's going to be here awhile!
Tara, Naiah brought a lot of us closer and helped each one of us grow in our relationships with God and each other. He reminded us how precious the people in our lives are. I know I all too often take that for granted. This road you've traveled also, and how you've kept bitterness and anger at bay has marveled me all along. You've set an example for believers and nonbelievers alike (I Tim 4 - Hey, check out verse 9. How apropos is that? Just stick your name in where it says "we labor"). There have been a lot of seeds planted and watered at school, I know. God used you and Benaiah to do that.
The three of you will be thought of often in the coming weeks. We definitely want to be of help in any way we can. I hope you'll continue to blog and share how you're doing. Give Brad a hug for us. Lots of love, T
I wish I could be more eloquent, but all I can say - with my own tears streaming - is that I love you and grieve and celebrate along with you.
ReplyDeleteAnne Packard
Tara -
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here writing with tears streaming. Partially because I feel so for your loss and partially because you have handled this all with such grace and beauty. I have to second the sentiments made from Anne Packard. I know of nothing else to say but that you are in our prayers.
God Bless!
Katie Thomson
Beautiful! Happy and sorrow, mingled together in tears. We will pray many prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteTara and Brad,
ReplyDeleteWe haven't met, Tara, but we go back several years ago (back in the late 90s in a connection group together) with Brad (Hi Brad!). I came across your blog from a mutual friend this morning before I headed to church. As I was sitting here at the computer reading it, I held my own little baby Eli (born last month) a little tighter. I was able to go through some earlier posts this afternoon and was blessed by so many of them. Thank you for being willing to share your story. We pray God will use it and Benaiah's life to bring many to Him. I wanted to let you know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Also, a song that I find comfort in and thought you might enjoy also is called "Your Hands" by JJ Heller.
Thinking of you.
Your brother and sister in Christ,
Stephanie and Tyson Ochsner
Naiah Darwin! This is your Auntie Julie! Just because we never got to meet here on earth does not mean I do not love & miss you bunches! That hospital room just wasn't big enough for all the people who LOVE you! It would have, have to have been HUGE! We will catch up someday in heaven. I knew when you were born, even without a call. I could feel it and prayed for you! Come to find out I was right on! Uncle Kevin could feel grandpa Keith's anxiety all night. I guess it's a twin thing. Naiah Darwin, you just keep teaching those poeple in heaven as you did here on earth. I feel your spirit amoungst us all. We will meet someday. . . . . . .
ReplyDeleteUntil then, much love, hugs & kisses!
Great Auntie Julie
Brad and Tara,
ReplyDeleteThe faith you and Brad have shown throughout this whole experience is just amazing and brings glory to God in such a unique way. I'm grieving for you while praising the Lord for the time He gave you all as a family. Tyler and I will continue to pray for you and think of you in the coming days and weeks. You two have been so strong and inspirational!
Thank you Tara for sharing such private moments with us all...may we value each moment we have with loved ones...in your poetic way you have made this clear to all who read your blog!
ReplyDeleteLifting you up to the Throne in the days ahead.
With tears streaming for the whole family and with love,
Shirley
Tara,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog through Safe Haven. My heart is broken for you and your family. It was hard to read this post. My heart skipped a beat, when you wrote about your little boy knowing that he wasn't with his mommy. The nurse brought him back to you, and his breathing returned to normal. ~sigh~
Your son is beautiful.... absolutely precious. You will be in my prayers.
~Jennifer Ross~
Our love and prayer surround you as we thank Jesus for the hours you shared with your precious Naiah. God bless you for walking in God's grace and strength during the most difficult moments of your lives.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Arnie & Diana Schoeman
I am praying for you this morning as I'm celebrating my sweet angel Vivian's birthday and reflecting on how 6 years have gone by with her in Heaven yet I can remember each moment like it was yesterday. You will remember your time with him, each moment, each breath and each of those memories is a gift from God. I treasure mine and I know that you will treasure yours. I'm so thankful that God gave you time with Benaiah. I will be praying for peace and for God's loving arms to be wrapped around you both as you walk through this journey. God Bless. I will be praying!
ReplyDeleteLove in Christ,
Stephanie Hammer (from Mommies with Hope)
Brad and Tara,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, congratulations! What a blessing to bring life into this world! Better yet, to give God another Angel to watch over all of us! Your strength and faith are so moving. God chose you to be Benaiah's parents. He always has a plan! Most people wouldn't be able to get through this experience, but your FAITH, family, and friends made it possible. You both are such wonderful parents!
I've been praying and praying for you. Praying for strength, comfort, and courage. I know God heard ALL of our prayers!
Jon and I are struggling with having a child. I continually send up my prayers to God. Your story gives me comfort and has strengthened my faith. I've believed my whole life that God has a plan! I see it continually throughout my life. Maybe little Naiah will help us?!
I plan to see you in May! I think we are LONG overdue for a "cousin" get-together! I obviously see Trav, Corey, and Kim, but haven't seen Ryan or Jaime forever!!!
Love and Prayers,
Angie
Tara,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story - Benaiah's beautiful story. As you continue to tell it, God will use you, and Benaiah, greatly to touch so many lives. What a precious gift, what a beautiful boy! I am here for you, please know that.
With love,
Heidi E.
Hi Tara and Brad,
ReplyDeleteWe have never met, but a friend of mine pointed me to your blog today. I just want to say I am praying for you, and have already been so touched by little Benaiah's story. He is a beautiful, precious little boy. How good of God to give you those precious hours with him, and how beautiful that he knew his Mommy so well already, and longed to be near you. I gave birth to a stillborn little girl last May, and also felt that unexplainable peace and love from God that He pours out when we need it most. Just want you to know I am praying for you and crying with you. Thank you for your example of faith in God's amazing grace!
Brad and Tara,
ReplyDeleteHow AWESOME is God that he would grant you the gift of precious Benaiah! While your beautiful son was with you for only a very short time, you were able to experience the powerful love a parent has for their child. It is that same deep felt love that our Father has for us and know that as you grieve, so does He.
Benaiah too was given a great gift... 2 amazing parents who love him dearly and who, he can rest assured, will someday be reunited with him in heaven.
Find strength in each other, Brad and Tara, and comfort in knowing your little angel Benaiah loves you both very much.
in my prayers,
Karen K. (Paige's mom)
oh, sweet sister..... I do not even know you, and you do not know me. I am so proud of you and your strong heart, for being able to stand on your crippled legs. My heart breaks for you as I read your story. I lost my baby to SIDS and I know some of the mommies from "mommies with hope". People like you help to remind me why I still call on His name, embracing any and all strength that only He can give. May you breathe.... taking one day at a time.... letting the Spirit heal you. It is a life time process of healing.
ReplyDeleteCling to Him, and breathe.
with love
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ReplyDeleteTara and Brad,
ReplyDeleteYou do not know me and I do not know you. A friend of yours asked to lift you guys up in prayer on a mutual friends facebook wall. Something made me click on your link and read yoru blog. With tears streaming I write to you with love and admiration. Your steadfast faith and love for your precious Benaiah are a beacon of our Lords amazing grace and peace in such a difficult time. What a blessing you are to those you do not even know. How deeply you have touched many thru this blog, word of mouth and prayer chains. The Lord is good and your never failing faith is such a light in this world of darkness. Benaiah was such a lucky lucky boy to have you two and your family to hold, pray and love him in his short time here. I will pray for the day you get to hold him again. I will continue to pray for you Tara and Brad. Congrats on this wonderful, joyful and blessed gift of the little one you named Benaiah!
With Love and prayers,
Angela Grabowski
Brad and Tara,
ReplyDeleteI got the message from Jacob that your son was born in the midst of Cornerstone Church of Iowa City's first closing worship service. I was there to speak at their retreat. As I read the text I began to cry. I held my phone open and up to the Lord as we continued to sing, You are the God of this City.
I wish I could have been there to hold the little man. Jeff shared with me how blessed he felt and how precious the moments you shared together were.
Each day I have had thoughts of you guys and Benaiah. Each day I have been praying for God's grace and peace to surround your lives and fill your hearts.
Today I read your latest post. Again my eyes are filled with tears, not just of sorrow but also of thanksgiving for both of you. Your lives continue to challenge my heart.
I love you both.
Troy
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ReplyDeleteBrad & Tara-
ReplyDeleteI graduated with Brad...Steph Ochsner forwarded your blog to me. We will lift you up in prayer as you navigate through this difficult time. God is always working in and around us and we know we're never alone, we should not be afraid and nothing random happens. God is using you as "salt and light" to touch the lives of others.
Praying for you all~
Heidi(Oldenburger)Mittag
Dear Brad and Tara,
ReplyDeleteI have tears streaming down my face as I write this. Your son's life and the way you shared it was a beautiful example of living out a life trusting perfectly in God. Reading your blog has touched me and others that I have shared it with- Yet my heart aches for you in a place I cannot describe. Today as I was praying for you and Jeremy Camp's song came to mind:
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more
fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone
Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will
wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more
fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we'll see Jesus face to face
_____________________________________________
Thank you for sharing your life with others. I don't know how to explain the impact its had, but it's deep, and God is in the center of it....
You both have been a beautiful voice for your little Benaiah. Surely this loss is a gain. A precious life in heaven to enjoy his Savior and for you to enjoy one day for eternity.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, for strength each day.
I don't know what you are going through, but my heart is sympathizing with you as I still grieve the loss of my 22 week baby girl in Jan.
(I knew Brad a little bit through Chad Anderson way back.)
Dear Brad and Tara,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches with your grief and the joy of those short hours. I know that we've never met (I'm a cousin of Missy's husband Joe) but you've been in my prayers for months. As I read this chapter, I couldn't help but weep, but as the computer screen blurred again at the part where you mentioned that you had held his hand and walked him to his perfect home, in my mind's eye, I imagined that day when you'll see him again, with robust form and bright twinkling eyes--and you'll know him and he'll know you. And you'll run to each other and lock in the embrace that you will have longed for and know that eternity lies before you. You know that you'll never again be rushed to say goodbyes. In that day, sleep will never steal your time and the reunion will be perfect.
---------------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I know that our blessed hope doesn't exempt us from the pain of life without those we've lost. You know the agony of empty arms that Brad and Tara are suffering. How thankful I am that you are a God who can understand what forsaken feels like in the most extreme of conditions. You know how it feels to ask "why?" and what it means to loose someone. I am so thankful that we have a Savior who understands what we feel; one who is not out of touch with our reality. You understand what my friends are going through better than any of us. Please carry their sorrow and grief. Continue to give them the strength to face the days, one at a time. Sustain them so that their hearts do not fail nor their faith waiver during this time of deepest pain. Send the comfort that only You can give at the times when their hearts need it. Let them know how deeply they are loved! In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
-----------------------------------------------
Amy
Brad & Tara -
ReplyDeleteWhat an encouragment you have been to me and my family! I have followed Benaiah's journey through your blog from the start. In reading the blog, I just sobbed in amazement from your courage. I am a friend of Melissa's and have never met the two of you, however I feel so connected to the three of you. I passed his story around to many others that have kept up with his journey so that we may lift you guys up in prayer, praying for God's strength and peace would be with the two of you. In his short time here on earth, Benaiah made a lasting impact on the lives of many people. Praising God in a storm is not always an easy thing to do. Please know that we will be praying for you and your family! Benaiah was so lucky to have such Godly and awesome parents! I will remember you always.
In Christ - Lori Conway
We don't know each other well (I go to Cornerstone as well and know you through lots of mutual friends) but I wanted to let you know that my heart has been changed through the story God is writing in your lives. I've been following your blog along this journey of yours and have been inspired by the brief yet incredible life of your beautiful son Benaiah. Below is the link to a post that reminded me so much of what you are going through right now. Their song "I Will Carry You" speaks of God's faithfulness to see you through, even this. I will continue to lift up your name to the Father!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.mycharmingkids.net/2010/04/i-will-carry-you.html
Rachael Jones
My dearest brother and sister,
ReplyDeleteI know our relationship has been short and shallow at best, but in the few weeks I've been creepin' on this journal, I want to let you know that I most ardently am praying for you both.
To be given such a gift, and to so gracefully and fearlessly give him back to Jesus... I'm beyond encouraged. Naiah is able to rest in the arms of our Papa, and the best part is that to God, one thousand years is a day, and a day is a thousand years. When you finally get to see him again face to face, it will be as if he just left your side for only a mere moment.
I love you both deeply with a whole-hearted love that comes only from the Father; for where we may not be the family born out of flesh and blood, we are born out of Spirit and the blood of Christ.
Jesus,
I bless you for the wonderful gift you gave Brad and Tara, and I praise you, Jesus, for the comfort and love you are already pouring out on them. As you told me a few weeks prior, you have a most special love for those that are with a broken heart. Fill them, Papa, with all of your love -- your perfect love that casts out all fear. Holy Spirit, come bring the peace that transcends all understand and guard their hearts and their minds. Give them joy from being in your presence, Papa; for in Your presence there is fullness of joy. I thank you so much for what you're already doing in their hearts and how much your precious son, Benaiah has impacted the lives around them, from close family and friends to people that have no connection to them. I thank you so much, Father that you are faithful, and you are good. Surround them with comfort, and anoint their heads with the oil of gladness.
in the mighty name that is above all names, the name of Jesus Christ, I pray for all of these things.
love you both,
Jeska. (Isaiah 61:1-3)