December 22nd- A REALLY, REALLY hard day

Week 12 has come and gone—we are not only celebrate this gift but soon the reality of “Oh my gosh, WE ARE HAVING A BABY” started to set in.  It’s becoming real and I’m starting to sense the walls protecting my heart going down.  We’ve made it….

The countdown begins for THE ultrasound- Tuesday, Dec. 22^nd-right before Christmas—the timing was perfect.  Can you imagine a better gift!?!?!!  Brad seems nervous and on edge that morning—I am just plain excited—as we wait we pray God would bless the appointment and calm our fears. 

Our technician was a sweet lady with a warm disposition.  She says she knows my grandparents.  The screen comes up and immediately my stomach sinks—something isn’t right—is the baby’s heart beating?!?!?!?!  She finds the beat; I start to relax.  We’re taking measurements—It’s A BOY!!!! The appointment takes a rapid turn when we ask her do you see something concerning. 

Within the next minutes…I am hearing that our son has Anencephaly—which means he does not have a skull and very little brain tissue.  I do still not fully comprehend until  “Your son will not live outside of you.”  Tears, shock, the wind has been knocked out of me, I can’t focus—I hear the words “You have an appt. in Des Moines with the high risk clinic for a second look/opinion…it is our hope that we are wrong.”  This is all a bad dream…..this couldn’t possibly be happening…..

As we wait in the grieving room at the clinic—I’m beginning to quickly realize everyone else understands but me—they “see” something in my future that I don’t.   There are grasping what these means for our family while I’m sifting through and replaying over and over what I was just told.  I remember telling Brad—there is still a chance this is a mistake—he affirms me with we can’t give up hope. I find a Bible in the room—open it up and am praying for some divine intervention. 

Psalm 91-

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge, and my fortress, my God in whom I trust…..He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day…..He will command his angles concerning you to guard you in all your ways they will lift you up in their hands…..He (God’s Child) will call upon me (God), and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble.”

The second doctor soon confirms the diagnosis.  Our long journey begins.