Jan 5th, 2010-Seeing our Son!

I wake up very nervous for the day-I know we will be meeting with the Baby Hospice team—Neonatologist, NICU nurse, Ann-our bereavement nurse, and the doctor.  I also knew that part of this appointment could be a 3-D ultrasound if we were ready.  I fear the unknown and what Ben will actually look like-not only with his condition but only being 21 weeks.  This scripture is posted on my mirror in the bathroom.

_”I am the Lord, your God who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13

He keeps reminding me that I do not go alone, that He is with me.  I take great comfort in that, but am still very nervous as we head to Des Moines.

I couldn’t have been more pleased with the meeting—this will be Ben’s support team diving into the trenches with us- answering every question and gently encouraging our concern.  We feel extremely blessed by their guidance and knowledge.  At the meeting, I breathe a HUGE sigh of relief knowing that he indeed does feel me, know me, and may not “hear” by voice but sense vibrations. Benaiah knows his mommy and daddy.

My anxious fears continue to be calmed.  Ann is encouraging me to go ahead with the ultrasound- focusing on the normal parts of my son.  I saw his little feet, his two perfect hands, nice strong legs- (like his daddy), and an adorable pair of butt cheeks.  But my favorite by far was his little face…..He is my beautiful little boy.  In one picture, we managed to capture an one eye open, staring at us with such calm peace saying “Here I am”…His cute button nose, ( one of my favorites!)….His lips are full and pouty… and His cheeks nice and plump....Here was my son…..It was such a RELIEF to finally see him as he was not how I had feared him.

I look at his pictures all the time.  God made that—inside of me.  Thank you God for the miracle of my son!!!  Thank you God for pulling through and telling me “Do not fear”…..I am all the more encouraged about the next 4.5 months.  It’s funny the fear has suddenly shifted.  Before it was “Dear Lord, help me to love my son no matter what he looks like.” Now it is “Dear Lord, this is getting harder.  How will I let the little punkin go?”  God re-affirms me with yet another sign- literally- that reads, “The will of God will not take you where the Grace of God cannot protect you.”

We celebrate Ben’s successful appointment with ice cream from McDonalds.  Yes, ice cream at negative temps, but when you’re pregnant it doesn’t seem to matter!  I buy ‘Naiah an adorable stuffed giraffe and unbelievably soft blanket.  I find him his little outfit for the hospital….It is literally perfect.