Jan 19th- Raw Emotion

This past weekend we were able to get away to Florida….I’ll admit the weather was not quite what I had hoped for.  The days seemed a bit cooler than normal (although we were down there a bit early this year-we usually go in March) and the sunshine was spotty.  It was a brutal reminder that sometimes things don’t turn out liked you hoped they would. 

Day 1:

I couldn’t help but think of how the weather reflected my current place in life.  Mostly cloudy and cool, with spots of sunshine.  Lord, I longed to be flooded in your glorious light both physically and spiritually —to be warmed from the inside out—to feel you near—to take a break from reality.  But that is not what happened….Instead I felt hurt, cold, and downright empty….Families with little ones walked the beach and the tears flowed…WHY can’t it be us?   I try spending quiet time with You—but nothing seems to “fit” from your Word.  It feels forced.

I’m hurt Lord—I’m hurt and I feel like I’m putting you at “arms length” away.  My head tells me to trust you, to remember that you love us, that you have a plan, and that you love our son more than we do….But honestly my heart Lord just feels pain-You don’t “feel” near and I am very disappointed-angry at times-- that you have us going down this path.  I read in a book once that we need to “train ourselves to believe in what is true, not what we feel”….Powerful, convicting, but quite frankly I’m not there today….

Day 2:

Again the morning starts off cloudy—making it very difficult to “rise and shine!”  I felt like I could sleep all day.  While getting ready for the day God sends a ray of sunshine—literally busting through the clouds.  I feel like it’s His way of saying I’m here, I hear you, and I’m sorry you have to go through this.  My heart softens….thank you God for my gift- I know it was meant just for me.

I decided to do some reflecting at the beach—my heart burned to take pictures with Naiah and for Naiah.  While getting ready for one—a giant wave rushes up and soaks my pants-it startles me and I scream running the opposite direction….”Very funny guys,” I think to myself…Naiah and God are up to no good—I can almost hear God chuckle and Naiah giggle—“Turkeys”- The smile on my face is a welcomed present. 

Soon another photo attempt…I find myself pleading- just give me one picture with the wave and the words before the inevitable….I knew it was coming but I didn’t realize I’d be “knocked over” with such emotion….Here was something I wanted…pleaded with God for…received…and in a moment—was swept away….It hit too close to home…..

We came so far and I feel like it was just torn away…ripping my very heart out of my body….Trust me with your most precious gift……The tears roll and soon I’m questioning….You tell me you’ll grant the desires of my heart…Then why this? You tell me I can ask for anything in your name and I will receive it—Okay then –Save my son.  You feel so silent…..I ponder—Is it my pulling away? Is it grief? Is it the evil one?  Oh Lord this is SO HARD….

Leaving the beach that morning was more difficult than I expected…the next time I would come—Benaiah wouldn’t be with me.  Words can't begin to describe.......

Someone near and dear to us is reading Disappointment with God…I find comfort in knowing it’s okay for us to feel this way….That I’m not alone in this emotion.  I’m not going to tell you that I’m sensing God’s peace like I was….and I would love to say that I’m remaining strong….but I’m not.  I would love to tell you things about how we are “conquering” the trial with God’s help—but it certainly doesn’t feel like it.  Like the Disappointment book says—sometimes we have to simply stand in faith and that’s the best we can do to show our love for the Lord.  Oh Lord…I’m having trouble standing….

Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see.-

Hebrews 11:1 

Lord help us to simply stand in faith—our boats are being rocked…

Help us to believe in the truth—even when we don’t feel it..... 

 Help us to remember the ways you are, have been, and will be faithful.....  

Help us to trust in something we do not see.....

Psalm 77- NLT

1 I cried out to God for help;

       I cried out to God to hear me.

 2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

       at night I stretched out untiring hands

       and my soul refused to be comforted.

 3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;

       I mused, and my spirit grew faint.

       Selah

 4 You kept my eyes from closing;

       I was too troubled to speak.

 5 I thought about the former days,

       the years of long ago;

 6 I remembered my songs in the night.

       My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

 7 "Will the Lord reject forever?

       Will he never show his favor again?

 8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

       Has his promise failed for all time?

 9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?

       Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

       Selah

 10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:

       the years of the right hand of the Most High."

 11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;

       yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

 12 I will meditate on all your works

       and consider all your mighty deeds.

 13 Your ways, O God, are holy.

       What god is so great as our God?

 14 You are the God who performs miracles;

       you display your power among the peoples.

 15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,

       the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

       Selah

 16 The waters saw you, O God,

       the waters saw you and writhed;

       the very depths were convulsed.

 17 The clouds poured down water,

       the skies resounded with thunder;

       your arrows flashed back and forth.

 18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,

       your lightning lit up the world;

       the earth trembled and quaked.

 19 Your path led through the sea,

       your way through the mighty waters,

       though your footprints were not seen.

 20 You led your people like a flock

       by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Notes: 77:20- God led the people. When a shepherd moves his flock, he goes in front of them, leading them rather than herding them from the rear.  When the Hebrew people left Egypt to go into the wilderness, God led them through a pillar of cloud that went ahead of them. That’s the picture of how God leads us.  He goes before us, not behind us.  He shows us the way.  Because He knows all, He helps us with our problems and trials.  The next time you experience a heavy time in your life, picture God as a shepherd going ahead of you.  Rely on Him to show you the way.